


if i knew then (what i know now)

by maddaccuser



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Did I Say Emotional, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Late Night Writing, Memories, Writing As An Outlet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-03-21
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:55:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23252071
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddaccuser/pseuds/maddaccuser
Summary: Adora can't get Catra off of her mind, no matter what she tries. At least one small thing she does eases her pain as she learns to be apart from the person with whom she shares countless, unforgettable memories.OrAdora sits down down to write and clear her head after growing jealous of Scorpia.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 8
Kudos: 55





	if i knew then (what i know now)

**Author's Note:**

> I attempted to write this in present tense as an exercise, and utterly failed, so. shout-out to everyone who can write in present tense, it's not easy!
> 
> & I hope everyone is staying safe during these quarantine times. wash your hands and social distance!
> 
> also i listened to this while writing, and it most certainly fits the vibe and Adora's emotions. plus, it doesn't help that it's one of my all time favorite songs.  
> | Outta My Head (Tritan Remix), by Lauren Presley |

Adora pulled out her chair and took a seat at the grand oak desk that furnished her quarters at Bright Moon, as she habitually had every evening before bed since the day she'd first arrived. She sighed a deep breath as her weight melted into the chair beneath her, quietly sliding open one of the small drawers located near the top to fish out the journal Glimmer had gifted her. Tonight, she had something in mind she decided that she had to write.

_If I Knew Then What I Know Now_

The newfound princess titled the top of the freshly lined page.

She held her ink pen with a firm grip, her eyes narrowing on the words she'd written, only to toss the writing utensil aside and recline deeper into her chair, throwing her head back against its cushion. A weak groan slipped her lips as her palms met her face, rubbing at her forehead while trembling fingers slowly crawled their way around to her temples, and in attempts to relieve the incessant pounding inside her skull, they massaged small circles into those soft spots.

 _I have to do this,_ she muttered as her eyes slowly rolled open and back onto to the book laid before her, demanding her attention. This was the only outlet she’d faithfully relied on to place her thoughts, good or bad, and she _needed_ to empty her head.

After their run-in with the newly appointed Force Captain today, her mind had been spiraling ever since. Seeing Catra with Scorpia took an unfathomable toll on Adora, and she couldn't shake the unrelentless thoughts that crowded her head-space for the remainder of the day, which was quite contradictory to her progress as of late.

Procrastination was the simple way out, but despite that, her hand found the tossed pen on her desk and she straightened up, (albeit with a slight slouch) and propped her head into a tented hand. With her focus re-established onto the journal before her, she eyed the intimidating blankness it held, lit only by a dulled yellow lamp and the moonlight casting in from the castle windows. She took a deep breath, and her hand began.

_Catra,_

_If I knew then what I know now, I would've worked exhaustively to convince you to come with me, to have you here and by my side, together, like we always planned._

_If I knew then, what I know now, my heart would've weighed heavier in my chest those nights I'd hear you grumble and feel your tail pad against my leg, because that was your little way of telling me you missed the heat of my body pressed against your own._

_If I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have allowed you to hold yourself back in our sparring sessions, because you would have easily bested me, every, single, time. I never knew just how awfully your claws could sting._

_If I knew then, that the majority of your bumps and bruises weren't only from training, I would've paid extra special attention when tending and caring for them every night, and maybe I would have even kissed one, or possibly two._

The patter of a teardrop burned in Adora's ears and she looked down to the bottom of her book, almost smiling at the watermark her emotions created, but that didn’t stop her hand.

_If I knew then, that night would’ve been the last time I would get the chance to hold your hand, I wouldn't have ever let go._

_If I knew then, that was the last smile you'd give me, I would've stared a little longer, and watched your freckles flood with a familiar red ocean beneath them, despite your protests._

_If I knew then, that would’ve been the last time I could hold you while you cried, I wouldn’t have cried with you. I would’ve been strong, like you needed me to be. I would’ve held you tight, and protected you as if my life depended on it, until your tears ran dry and your body accepted my embrace._

_If I knew then, how effortlessly you completed me, from somehow managing to finish my every sentence, to being my partner-in-crime (quite literally), to knowing_ _every_ _minuscule detail about me, my smile would've split my face anytime someone asked me about you, and I could proudly name you as my best friend._

_If I knew then, what I know now, maybe… maybe, I never would have left the Horde. Maybe She-Ra never would've come into existence, and maybe we could be happy. We could run away together, like the countless times we've planned to, and we could check off every box on that silly list you made for us. Looking back, as it turns out, it wasn't so silly after all. It was full of so many great ideas, ideas that I hope we one day get the chance to do._

A quiet sob tore it’s way past Adora’s throat, and the sound of it echoed throughout her enormous, quiet and empty room, only to bounce back and reverberate through her body. Her shaky hand gripped the pen between her forefinger and thumb, nearly touching the paper as she found herself left with only a few final lines.

_If I knew then, what I know now, I would have told you that I love you eons before I had. I would have told you over and over, time and time again because you deserved to hear the truth, no matter what anyone else said, or what the rules were. Because you are so, deeply loved by this blonde 'dork' you’d never even claim to like. And now, I don't blame you. Believe it or not, love is real. Despite what they taught us, and how we were trained, it’s just… unfortunate, that I’ve learned that far too late._

_If I knew then, what I know, I would tell you that I'm sorry, Catra. For everything._

_I miss you._

Adora's shoulders loosened as her hand trailed to the last line of the page.

_Yours,_

_Adora._

She tossed the pen into a jar that sat in the corner of her desk with all of her other desk necessities, and tapped off her lamp before neatly tearing the perforated page from her book. She reclined back, slowly this time, allowing herself to admire the filled page she’d written, until her eyes flitted to the open windows of her room. 

Unhurriedly she stood, and proceeded to the pale moon lit entryway of her balcony with the page in hand, as the evening air greeted her skin and blew through her loose blonde hair.

Stepping out into the night, she could feel silent tears sliding down her cheeks like wildfires ravaging through a kindled forest, only to land into the small crevices of the letter she'd written. The calm breeze carried with it a gentleness and warmth her body craved, but nothing could seem to thaw the layer of ice that's frozen itself deep within her chest.

 _If only_ , _Catra..._ The Princess of Power inhaled a shaky breath as she lifted the page she'd written up to the moon, eyeing the only star through her penmanship and silently re-reading what she’d jotted down.

When her eyes reached the final ' _a_ ' in her name, she brought the letter back down and clutched it to her chest, crinkling it slightly as she sobbed. But as swiftly as her tears started, they halted, and her gaze hardened into the midnight sky. 

She remembers everything Catra has done, and everything she herself has done since she’s left the Fright Zone. Months have passed by, and the two of them have yet to actually sit down and talk to one another. Every time they come face-to-face, there’s never the time to speak and there’s always a battle to be won; another mask to be worn.

Viciously and unforgiving, she crumpled the page in her hands and ripped it to shreds, leaving no trace of it legible even if every piece were to be found and placed back together. Her silent rage casted a spark in those pale blues, and she’d never felt more alone as she destroyed everything she only wished she could say. The shreds of her words blew off into the night and down to the forest below her, comparable to a distant memory, and so precisely comparable to Catra.

Adora took another step forward, still partially blinded from her overwhelming emotions and grasped the ivory railing of her balconies edge. Her hands clinged to the precious stone and she found purchase, enough to keep herself standing as her head flooded with thoughts of their past. Everything that had anything to do with the feline, she could never forget, nor let go of.

It was clear she wasn’t going to get any sleep that night, and it wouldn’t be the first, or the last, of night’s like these.

**Author's Note:**

> i can't wait for Adora to be reunited with her soft cat-girl


End file.
